Hilariously Stupid Barangay Blotters

BARANGAY      

BLOTTER

Compiled by Carlo H. Andrion

The following are real excerpts (including punctuations, grammatical errors, capitalizations. and phrasing) from the Barangay Blotter of a Barangay somewhere in Luzon, Philippines. A blotter is a logbook containing the narrative reports of crimes, and accidents happened or just simply any libelous statements made that are reported to the barangay authorities. A blotter is somehow an acceptable legal basis on trial courts with respect to the affidavits reported and written by either the complainants or respondents.

The editor has compiled these blotters for entertainment purposes only. The editor now owns the original manuscript of this blotter and is by far not intended for public reading. Names, location, plate numbers of vehicles, entities involved or any other relevant information were changed to protect their real identity. Read and learn through the mistakes of others.

1.     “Mr. Pedro Pedra coordinated on Barangay Secretary. Was told me dat confile a blotter. Purposes he have a suspek to do a negative symbol sign.” (Iniisip ko kung anong negative sign ‘yan. Integers ba yan?)

2.     “This is to certify that Mr. Emilio Katigbak received the amount of (Php. 1,000.00) one thousand pesos to Mr. Melchor Quirino as payment of motorcycle accident w/ plate no 06-UR-0178.” (Ate sana nagkakaintindihan pa kayo ng nobyo mo mag-usap. Ang labo eh.)

3.     “Stating on your statement Mr. Dhan Correa; Mr Dennis Caldero; once he file any positive sign. He, Follows for statement of Dennis Caldero. Any purposes. I can pursue dat statement. My security purposes.” (At positive sign naman ngayon.)

4.     “This is certify Mr. Manoling Cabading custody of Barangay Chairman Jose Ganda of Barangay Inuman, San Miguel, Batangas motor vehicle N9090 return to the ownership. Released for the Chairman. RELEASED!!!” (Relax 'te.)

5.     “Barangay Councils respondent of Mr. Potchi Frutos running out with the house & back again with house. Called with bottle of Redhorse.” (Wow. Makatakbo nga at bumalik kasama ang bahay!)

6.     “I’m Mr. Manny Lenio Ive lose my wallet in place of hauz of Matoldz or Lisa Mona. Between 2 to 5 PM. That this wallet have important things.” (Ibalik niyo na!)

7.     “Mr. Peti Burgos conversation of Mr. Justin Gomez. While Mr. Peti Burgos says to Mr. Justin Gomez that all sarguelas that stopled all. Next month I converzation every night and days ‘Pwede kitang etumba’ says Mr. Peti Burgos to Mr. Justin Gomez. The purpose of this blotter is safed. Any purposes of this argument should affixed the signature of Mr. Justin Gomez.” (Every night and day[s], lyrics ata ng kanta iyan.)

8.     “Mrs. Pining Garcia crawted with left face & back of body to Mr. Voltaire Perez. Mr. and Mrs. Pining Garcia front back with her families for her grandfew. Touch with her sister with the back of body. Crawted with her families.” (New member of the family: Grandfew.)

9.     “On the month of September 24, 2008. Im going to the town of Isla Puting Kabayo Mrs. Barnnie Aquino Im filing a blotter against from hem. She says an appropriate words. The residencia lot without consint of authorities.” (Appropriate words naman pala daw eh. Nagsumbong ka pa?)

10.  “…the goat was sold out…” (Ubos na raw ang papaitan. Gulay na lang.)

11.  “Ms. Manuela Manuel declare that they clean the house that the properties of mango dont do a necessary movement.” (Hindi naman talaga gagalaw mag-isa ang puno ng mangga. Haha)

12.  “Ms. Perly Ciel wants to dischange the house cause the land of house and lot embodied was [was] [was] [were] embodied! (Words in the brackets were crossed out)

13.  “Ms. Mila Son she coordinate with chairman during a while lying on bed who can damage her.” (Hala! Ano yan? :-O)

14.  “This is to certify that Rolando Mendez received the following item: 1. Which is fishbol.” (Pati fishball na-blotter? Baka 'goldfish' ang ginamin sa fishball kaya may gold!)

15.  “As a proof that this settlement should affixed his signature. Mr. Dan Tan should satisfy that the damages of his motor should settle.” (Hindi naghihilom ang sira ng motor ate. Di yan tao.)

16.  “From the respondent Mr. Reggie Paglingayen without license while driving of Mr. Dante Dantes. The plate number of motor vehicle was taken away.” (Driving without license po…)

17.  Ms. Rickie Flora that Michael Vitug they can conversation while Kgd. Isko Dacer give a wrong signs that should not respect them the kgd’s even though the brgy chairman. Converzartion hes mother they pursue while he can converzation. He constrate the ashtray he broken while converzation.” (Oo na. Nag-usap na sila! ‘Yon na ‘yun!!)

18.  “…coordinate brgy secretary to file a blotter against from Ramil Salud for protecting hes self. He drunk alcoholic while saying not good words.” ­(Uminom siya ng isang taong lasing!!)

19.  “Stating of complaint one week ago hes son was already kidnapping which is name Tito Rodriguez at residing of Mt. Olympus at age of 46 hes son April was already broken family.” (Haba ng sentence mo Manang di naman kita naiintindihan!)

20.  “When I passed by along the road sighting sight tru to Mr. Armando Robredo III on the date of February 8, 2009 to Mr. Roxas the date of February 8, 2009 along side of sight of Mr. Roxas after luch.” (Ano na-sight mo? Nahilo ako dito. Panalo ‘to!)




Can you copyread this? Lol. Second installment to follow!