And That’s How It Ends

This is the story of the first love that will never die.

“We soon learn to love what we know we must lose.” (From the book The Narnian by Alan Jacobs)

I’ve known her, Nina (let me call her by that name) since my elementary years. She was my greatest competitor in Astronomy, Biology, History, and Population Education quiz bee then. And to be found out later that she’s going to be the greatest event ever happened.

Nina was not a typical girl. She’s smart, pretty, appealing, and good-natured. All the traits that a man wants, she’s got it. She’s so simple. I fell in love with her simplicity.

I remember the time when our classmates left us locked in our classroom. I was irascible and shouting like hell: just for the two of us be released. She was so calm, sitting in the corner of the room. I was annoyed by such quietness. It’s insulting.

Then I told her, “Bakit wala kang kibo dyan? Gusto mo yata dito tayo matulog.”

“Kahit ikaw na lang ang lalaki sa mundo, di kita papatulan.” She retorted.

“Mas lalo naman ako. Akala mo sobrang ganda mo. Maganda ka lang.” I quipped.

Then we left highschool. She went to the national university in Quezon City, while I am spending my college years in a state university in the province.

Love shall linger even in great distance.

And that’s what happened. I’ve been missing her, her presence, her laughter, her jokes, and her voice. All of those. Then It came to a point that I have told her what I really feel about her. I texted her sometime in our freshmen years in college.

“Mahal kita, matagal na. Hindi ko lang masabi. Pero ngayon alam mo na. Sana walang magbago.”

“Ganun? Thanks. :D” She replied.

But I was the stupidest man ever born: “Sorry wrong sent.” I replied. FVCK. I am demented and crazy and weird.

And that event was forgettable.

Our closeness came to an extent that I am treated like a member of her family. When we have Saturday night’s affair, her mom would not let her out unless I am with the group. When it’s midnight and we’re still out, her mom (Tita) would have to  text me just so she knew what was happening and where we are going. In short, Pasado na sa parents niya.

2010, she graduated and taking up her masters at the same university. From time to time, we would still go out. Swimming, booze, movie, mall-ing, or just plain bonding on a friend’s place. All was so ideal. We have had an understanding. We both knew it.

I have plans for my future --- with her. We don’t wanna have to label our relationship. We’re happy with each other, being with each other, and loving each other (secretly).

Then I have lost communication to her. Even in fb, she’s aloof. I started worrying. 

Until March 15^th this year: something has surprised me. It was her. She texted me. (In verbatim but the italicised)

***

Nina: Carlo, wag ka muna magpopost sa fb. Musta ka na? Kung may tanong ka dito na lang sa text. Magtanong ka lang kung may iiisip ka.

Carlo: Parang sinabi mo na rin na i-unfriend kita. Bakit bawal? Sino ang nagbabawal? 

Nina: Wala. Kasi yung pinagpo-post mo pampamilya. Baliw ka naman. Carlo buntis ako now.

Bigla akong nanghina sa aking mga nabasa. Parang gusto kong mag-evaporate na lang.

Nina: 6 Months. Huwag mo muna ipagsasabi kahit kanino. Konti lang nakakaalam na friends at family ko.

Carlo: Aray. Sino nakabuntis sa iyo? Si Kwan ba? Taragis na yan.

Nina: Yup. Kaya hindi na rin ako nakakauwi diyan. Nandito ako sa Baguio.  Wag mo muna ipagsasabi kahit kanino ha? Komplikado ang lahat.

Carlo: O sige. Di ko sasabihin. Mag-iingat ka ha? Nagpapaka-okay lang ako.

Nina: Thank you! Tanung ng tanong din sina Romeo at Juliet (not the real name) pero di ko masabi sa kanila. Madaldal kasi sila.  Masaya naman ako now dahil supportive ang bf ko at family ko. GUSTO MO MAGING NINONG? Boy pala baby ko. Ako pa ang ninong? Kill me now.

Carlo: Sige! Ninong ako. Hehe. Pero nakakalungkot. Pwede ka bang bisitahin diyan? Para magising na ako sa realidad.

Nina: Bakit ka malungkot? Ok lang naman ako. Pero syempre di na tulad ng dati. Mahirap na abutin ang pangarap ko dahil priority ko na ang baby ko plus pamilya ko. Hehe Di mo ma-gets kung bakit malungkot ako? 

Carlo: Kamusta naman ang health ninyo? Ano sabi ni Tita?

Nina: Ok naman. Normal ang baby. Payat pa rin ako. Lumaki lang ang tiyan. Iyak ng iyak si mama nun. Dami pa rin sya problem now. Kung saan ako titira, kung ikakasal ba kami ni Kwan. Pero supportive naman sya sa akin. Dapat lang na alagaan ka niya.

Carlo: Basta importante magkasama kayo. Dun na kayo sa Laguna. Mas mainam. Para di na kita makita.

Nina: Di pa pwede e. Wala pang formal arrangements na nangyayari. Di pa nag-uusap mga pamilya naming. Ayoko manganak sa Laguna now syempre di ako mapupuntahan agad dun nila mama.

Carlo:  I mean dun na lang kayo tumira afterwards. Hehe. Para di na talaga kita makita at mabawasan na ang sakit.

Nina: Gusto ko tumira sa atin o kaya malapit lang sa family. Di ko pa alam kung anu ang mapagdedesisyunan.

Carlo: Mahal mo sya? Malamang. Hehe Umaasa akong sasabihin mong napilitan ka lang.

Nina: Oo naman. Di ako nagsisisi sa kanya. Sana nagkukuwari ka lang.

Carlo: Good. Sana maging maganda ang pagsasama ninyo. Hehe Hindi ito good sa akin. Pero no choice, kailangang tanggapin.

Nina: Sana.

Carlo: Ngayon na may sariling buhay ka na, hiling ko na sana  maging maayos ang lahat para sa inyo. Haaay Ang buntong-hinigang ito ay para sa'yo.

Nina: Salamat Carlo. :D Nag-smiley ka pa. :(

Carlo: Kaya pala nagpalit ka na ng number mo at hindi mo man lang ako sinabihan. Hehe

Nina: Tama. Hehe. Inuumpisahan mo na akong alisin sa buhay mo?

Carlo: Magkakapamilya ka na. Ako nag-aaral pa din. Ang bilis ng panahon. Lahat lumilipas.
Parang pag-ibig. Kahapon okay pa tayo. 

Nina: Super tama.

Carlo: Kaya pala naiisip ko na magkakapamilya ka na. Totoo pala. Hehe.

Nina: Kaya nga. Napost mo pa sa wall ko. Na na-delete mo agad. Nakita ko e.

Carlo: Hindi ko naman kasi alam. Delete mo na lang.

Nina: May klase ka ba now? 

Carlo: Bakit, ayaw mo na akong katext?

Nina: Di naman. Tuesday kaya ngayon duh?! Nag-aarte-artehan ka pa din . Iyan yung nagustuhan ko sa iyo e. Seriously.

Carlo: Wala yung prof namin. Pero may lab kami.

Nina: Sorry naman. Haha

Carlo: Nanghina ako sa balita, Nina. Hanggang ngayon umaasa pa rin ako na nagjo-joke ka lang.

Nina: Gumising ka. Totoo 'to. Haha. Gising ako. Walang hindi nagigising sa sakit.

Carlo: May klase pala kami. Pano, ingat ka palagi ha? Hindi ko na kaya ang mga sinasabi mo.

Nina: Ok. Thanks. Salamat din sa lahat. At sa lahat ng pagpapa-asa. 

***

That night, I wasn’t able to get my sleep. I just slept for 2 hours. I’m lost the next day. I went to school, but my heart was left somewhere.

March 16, it seemed like a bad omen. The cap which she has given me as a present was lost. It was the only possession of her that I own. It was gone, the day after she went.  May be it’s a sign that I shall forget my feelings to her. But I shall love her still. Besides, true live doesn’t get old. It persists and grows back.

People just leave us in the most unexpected times. And it makes us happy not. We just have to learn to be happy by nature because we will always not have the opportunity to be happy by circumstance.

It's painful to say goodbye to someone you don't want to let go, but more painful to ask someone to stay when you know they want to leave. - The Notebook

And that’s how it ends.